Don't you just love how they show this lovely font to possibly change the boring ones on the list then don't show the lovely one as a possibility?  

Since no one ever reads this blog, I'm just going to say whatever's on my mind.  First off, after 5 weeks of being gone on business, my husband came home yesterday.  Frankly, I wish he were still gone.  He watches crap on the boob tube all day, hogs the bed, snores, sits in my chair.  But he did do my laundry for me...not sure why...and made dinner.  That's a relief.  I'm sick of making dinner for all these people who don't clean up after themselves and never offer a word of thanks or appreciation.

Second, I'm sick of cats pissing on my things.  I'm sick of one cat in particular...my daughter-in-law's cat...that climbs on the screens and pokes holes them.  You think my son and daughter-in-law will offer to fix the screens when they get rid of the damn cat?  Hell no.  They'll blow it off as nothing.  And I'm not supposed to charge them rent?  Bullshit.  

Third, I'm so fucking fat, I could puke.  Ha!  That might solve some of my problems!  I'm supposed to be on a three day cleanse but I can't even resist the plain old humdrum food around here.  Why do I feel deprived when I restrict myself...even for 3 days?  Why do I want to hoard it all and eat it all?  Why can't I get it through my big fat head that eating all this shit only makes everything worse?  My feet and knees hurt all the time.  I look like a stuffed sausage in most of my clothes.  Walking is unbearable, standing is intolerable, and even though I exercise regularly and hard, I don't see results.  Oh, I might be a bit stronger than I was a couple years ago, but I don't see it benefiting me at all.  Why?  Because I'm so fucking fat!  I can't shut my mouth and keep food out.  I can't get myself to eat the good things...only the bad fattening crap finds its way down my gullet.  I'm so guilty of the sin of gluttony that I tip the scales at least 295!!!  That's insane!  Why am I doing this to myself?  Why can't I stop eating the crap and eat the good stuff?  It's just food and it all tastes the same whether I eat it or not.  It won't go away so why do I always have to have it NOW?  Why am I in the mindset of "I want what I want when I want it and I want it NOW?"  

Tomorrow, we'll do a b-day dinner for my step-granddaughter.  She wants fried chicken and mashed potatoes.  Do I think I can keep my hands off the chicken and potatoes?  I should.  Will I?  Right now, I'm doing the self-doubt and pretty much think I won't.  No matter how much I tell myself not to, I always give in.  Always.  It never stops.  I can't stop and I don't know why.  I quit smoking several times...why can't I quit eating?  I make myself sick.  I'm insane with the obsession of food and I want it stopped.  I've tried to self-analyze my reasons.  There are only two reasons I can think of for treating my fat body this way.  #1 is rebellion.  People tell me to stop eating so much or get on this meal plan or whatever and I basically say, to hell with you, I"ll do what I want.  And #2 is being unattractive.  As long as I'm fat, I don't feel I'm attractive to my husband so he'll leave me alone physically...which he has for 4 1/2 years now.  All my fat is a distancing tool to keep people away...especially him.  I don't want him to touch me anymore.  Neither of us have said it but it seems to be working because he doesn't and I don't.  

Why am I always the fattest person in the room?  I guess someone has to be but why me?  Why am I the one who got fat?  Why couldn't I have stayed slim like I was in college?  Why didn't I stop it when I was working?  Why did it have to be me who got fat?  I want to switch places with a slim person.  I want to be slim.  I'll never be skinny and don't want to be.  I just want to get rid of this ugly extra person I'm carrying around.  I don't like her anymore.  She sucks.  She hurts me.  She makes me depressed.  I want to take her off...like a fat suit.  

I'm sick of being so fat, though.  It really is insane and there is no valid reason why I am.  I need to shut my mouth and never open it to garbage again.  I CAN do it.  Will I?

Dare I mention...Facebook??

In the past few days, I've gotten into some pretty heady and frustrating "discussions" with people on Facebook.  It's always something I'm passionate about...the Constitution, the Bible, abortion, our freedoms...something like that.  My biggest gripe is that the people with whom I'm barely acquainted seem to think they know me.  They assume I've never done this or that or wouldn't.  They assume that because I'm a Bible-believing, evangelical, liturgical Lutheran that I'm some kind of backwards, uneducated, ill-informed baby-maker.  Well, the latter is true...I did pop out six babies.  But it's not like I didn't know what was causing it, you know?  Some people act like I don't know!  Anyway, I'm to the point where I don't want to share anything that's even vaguely controversial or post on anyone else's status.  If it's not funny or schmaltzy, I don't want to post it.  If it's not cute or has baby animals in it, I don't want to post it.  I don't want to deal with the people who swallow everything the mainstream media throw at them as the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  There are lots of my Facebook friends who believe as I do but it is very rare that anyone cones to my defense or offers some help in giving their views.  I honestly don't know what I've been hoping to accomplish by entering into these discussions that turn heated.  I know there is no way to sway them to my point of view.  But it just gripes me that I try to listen to their views and answer them accordingly.  I don't blast them and I certainly don't get caught up in the name-calling.  It's too bad I can't say that about the people with whom I debate things.  So maybe it's time for me to withdraw from sharing the good stuff that keeps people informed.  They don't listen anyway.  

Well, then again, neither do I.  ;-)

Plans

I'm a novice knitter (or should that be knovice knitter?).  I started on a shawl I plan to wear for my son's wedding in July.  The pattern is insane!  I needed to keep a stitch marker in the center stitch and couldn't tell half the time where that was!  So my friend from a local business told me she did an easier pattern that looks almost exactly the same as the first one I tried (and ripped out 3 times).  She copied it and gave it to me.  Oh my, it is so much easier and will end up looking great with the yarn I have!  Phew!

My husband, youngest two kids, and I are planning on going to D.C. in May.  I can't wait!  But I'm so afraid my arthritic knees will hurt with all the walking.  I have never been a fast walker but now I'm an aching walker.  I've been trying to watch my calorie count and eat less in the effort to lose some weight but it's very slow going.  I know if I could take off a substantial amount my knees would feel much better.  Substantial, in this case, is well over 50 pounds.  I really don't think that's going to happen between now and May.  I'm at a loss as to what to do.  I don't want to suck down ibuprofen like it's candy all day every day while we're there.  I know no one reads this but if on the off-chance someone does, I'd appreciate any and all suggestions.  

I'd like to plan on going to St. Louis this summer but we'll have to wait and see on that one.  A group of friends and I are planning on going to New Orleans again in November.  I so need a vacation and I'll definitely need to go to NOLA.  The music, the people, the river...it's all enchanting.  I don't want to live there.  I love to visit there.  So we're looking at houses to rent for a few days.  Yeah, people really do that!  We'll have to see on that one, too.

I have more plans of minor things in the works but that will have to be another time.  It's time for bed now.  G'night.  :-)

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees...

Gee, I don't even remember what year The Monkees first hit NBC.  1966, I think.  I remember begging my mom to make sure we'd be done with dinner on Monday nights so I could hog the TV for that crazy insane half hour so I could gawk at Davy, Mickey, Peter, and Mike.  I had so many of their albums...at least six of them.  I don't remember.  I remember my friends and I used to play Monkees.  We'd pretend to be their wives or girlfriends and make up stories to play-act.  So so long ago.  Once the TV show ended, the Monkees kind of went out of vogue.  In recent years, though, they've gotten back together and have done some touring.  Mike has joined them infrequently so it's always been Mickey, Peter, and Davy singing the old songs.  "Last Train to Clarksville" was their first big one.  "Valleri" was a great one.  "Daydream Believer" was the one hit that kept the Cowsills' "Hair" from being #1 on Billboard.  They still sounded good.  I regret not ever having had the chance to go see them in person though I do know people who were well-acquainted with them.  ALMOST met Peter once.  

Two days ago, Davy died of a heart attack.  He leaves behind his wife and four daughters.  And a whole slew of fans who will miss him and his music.  

Good night, Davy.

Wow, man. Bummer.

Hi, again!  I read my last few posts and wow, were they depressing!  So sorry about that.  I'll try to remedy that.  

So, let's kind of start over, shall we?

The daughter who was seeing the older man?  They got married last December.  Yeah, okay, it was tough.  Really tough.  I do think, though, for some strange reason, they really do love each other.  And now, I see my 13 year old step-granddaughter regularly.  She can be annoying but she's very cute.  Like I said, she's 13.  'Nuff said, right?  

Good news!  My #3 son is getting married in July!  Nice girl...they complement each other.  However, they want small wedding, her parents want big wedding.  We'll see how THAT goes. 

I still go to the gym at least 3 times a week.  I'm stronger but not skinnier.  I'm trying to watch what I eat and count calories.  That doesn't always work too well.  (How do I make a smirk-y face on here?)

For the past year, I've been avidly learning to knit!  I've always wanted to learn so when a friend from church found a knitting group here in town, we decided to go...and have been going ever since.  Right now, I'm working on a shawl for the aforementioned upcoming wedding.  Oy, this is going to be a challenge but, with help, I'll do it.  I've got a couple projects going, too.  An afghan, a lacy scarf, and now the shawl.  Yesterday, I got some gorgeous yarn I ordered to make yet another scarf...this time with a cable stitch.  I just finished a ruffle scarf that turned out well.  My husband thinks I'm a little nuts and going overboard with the yarn and needles things.  I keep telling him he hasn't met some of the women in my group!  LOL!

What else?  Well, today, I'm feeling kind of punky.  Not entirely sure why, but I am.  So I stayed home from the gym today because I didn't think it would be a good idea to barf all over my trainer.  I don't think she'd have appreciated that.  

I did manage to get to Safeway to buy things for tomorrow night's mid-week "soup" supper.  We enjoy a congregational meal before our Lenten services; and while many of the great cooks in our little church actually do make soup, it's not my thing.  I LOVE soup...no one in my family does much so I never make it.  So a friend and I are doing breakfast for dinner.  Sausages, eggs, French toast, fruit, juices.  Sounds good, doesn't it?

I think that's all for today.  I'm going to try and keep this thing going for a change.  It would be nice to have a follower or two.  I really do have a lot to say and comment on that isn't depressing.  I should make a list!  :-)  Until next time, God be with you.

Who am I? Really.

Every time I write here, it's because I am a little depressed or introspective.  Tonight, after watching an episode of "What Not to Wear" (yes, I enjoy that show!), the young mother of three on there was almost a younger version of me.  Except she had a job.  She had a skill and helped with her family's finances.  At home!  I've tried some at home jobs and have been rejected.  I have no skills other than typing, it seems.

So here I sit wondering who I am?  Well, I'm mom to six people, wife to one, daughter to two.  I am not a sister to anyone and my friends are few and getting fewer all the time.  I'm also quite fat and can't seem to get my idiot head around the fact that I'm never going to lose weight if I don't stop eating crap and start eating good things.  Self-sabotage.  Rebellious even to myself.  My "job" as mom, though it will never end, is almost done as far as taking care of young ones.  My baby is almost 17.  And, like most children, they don't listen to Mom's advice.  They don't want it or think they need it.  They may be right.  Why should they listen to Mom saying they should control their appetites of various kinds when I can't control my own greed for food?

Who am I?  I have no job, no skills, no future, and would probably be thoroughly content to rot in front of the television for the rest of my life.  Oh, I go to the gym four times a week and work out hard.  I haven't lost one ounce of fat.  Not one.  I have interests.  I'd love to go to school to take classes on photography or computers or study to be a wedding planner but that all costs money.  We don't have that because I don't earn any money to help out.

I'm 54 years old and have no clue what to do with the rest of my life.  My children will all be out of the house within the next five years, I'd say.  My husband and I just exist together.  We never talk about anything serious or intimate.  I can't do that.  I just can't open myself up to that kind of vulnerability even though he's been my husband for over 30 years.  I talk more and open up more to the friends I've met on the internet.

I don't know who I am, where I am, or why I'm here anymore.  I brought six children into this world, thank God.  That job is almost over.  I'll get my pink slip in a year or two.  Then what?  I can't go to work anywhere that makes me stand for any length of time.  My knees hurt too much and my feet can't handle the tremendous weight they're asked to carry.  An office job?  Doing what?  Filing?  Answering phones?  I was told years ago that I am not good on the phone.  So that's out.  It's all automatic and digital now anyway.  Salesclerk?  Please, been there, done that, and hated it.  I can't do any MLMs because there is never any money in that and it's rare anyone recoups the money they put into it.

So I'm lost.  I don't know who I am.  Again, the name of this blog is not who I am anymore.  I used to think that it was a part of me.  Not anymore.  I am truly lost about what to do with the rest of my life.  I think the best thing I can do is turn it over to God and let Him handle it.  If only He'd help me lose weight, that would be a start.  That's another thing...I do not pray like I should.  That part's lost, too.

I don't think I can put a title on this one

My almost 21yo daughter is seeing a 49yo man.  It's wrong on so many levels and she won't listen to me anymore.  She thinks she's in love with him and he calls her, "my love."  I want to puke.  It's not right.  I can't get through to her, I can't talk to her, I can't tell her anything.  I'm afraid if I try, she'll run away.  I'm afraid if she goes out with Sally in a couple weeks that Sally won't be as discreet as she thinks she can be and my daughter will run away thinking that anything she says to Sally will get back to me.  I'm tired of people offering me lame advice.  "Oh, she's got a level head and won't do anything stupid like run to Vegas to get married."  How the hell do they know that?  They don't know my daughter!  She's changed!  She's not the sweet young woman who, a year and a half ago, sat on the edge of her bed crying in my arms telling me how much she did NOT want to get a job and grow up!  She thinks she's grown now, of course, but she has no idea what she's doing or what she's getting into.  And she won't listen.  Write her a letter, I'm told.  I don't know what to say in it.  I could pour my heart out to her but I don't think she'd take it seriously.  She would see it as yet another case of Mom trying to run her life again.  I guess I'm just a horrible horrible mother and should never have had daughters even though I prayed so hard for them.  God only gives me what I need, right?  I needed my daughters, then.  So the hell are they the biggest source of grief in my life right now?  My youngest is a snot and fancies herself a goth just to bug me.  My oldest one thinks I'm out of touch with who she is.  It's so much bullshit I could scream.  I stopped smoking again back in September; but man, I sure could use a long drag now and then.  I sure as hell will take it up in California in a couple weeks.  My daughter is going to kill me slowly and deliberately.  Sometimes, I think she wants to see me hurt.  Sounds selfish, doesn't it?  Maybe.  But I think that's what she wants.  I don't think she sees me as her mom but her enemy that's out to ruin her fun and her life.  I wish she'd just talk to me.  But I can't get her alone anymore.  She's always with the old guy or his 12yo annoying daughter.  Yeah, he's got kids older than she is.  The whole thing just sucks.  I want it gone.