Every time I write here, it's because I am a little depressed or introspective. Tonight, after watching an episode of "What Not to Wear" (yes, I enjoy that show!), the young mother of three on there was almost a younger version of me. Except she had a job. She had a skill and helped with her family's finances. At home! I've tried some at home jobs and have been rejected. I have no skills other than typing, it seems.
So here I sit wondering who I am? Well, I'm mom to six people, wife to one, daughter to two. I am not a sister to anyone and my friends are few and getting fewer all the time. I'm also quite fat and can't seem to get my idiot head around the fact that I'm never going to lose weight if I don't stop eating crap and start eating good things. Self-sabotage. Rebellious even to myself. My "job" as mom, though it will never end, is almost done as far as taking care of young ones. My baby is almost 17. And, like most children, they don't listen to Mom's advice. They don't want it or think they need it. They may be right. Why should they listen to Mom saying they should control their appetites of various kinds when I can't control my own greed for food?
Who am I? I have no job, no skills, no future, and would probably be thoroughly content to rot in front of the television for the rest of my life. Oh, I go to the gym four times a week and work out hard. I haven't lost one ounce of fat. Not one. I have interests. I'd love to go to school to take classes on photography or computers or study to be a wedding planner but that all costs money. We don't have that because I don't earn any money to help out.
I'm 54 years old and have no clue what to do with the rest of my life. My children will all be out of the house within the next five years, I'd say. My husband and I just exist together. We never talk about anything serious or intimate. I can't do that. I just can't open myself up to that kind of vulnerability even though he's been my husband for over 30 years. I talk more and open up more to the friends I've met on the internet.
I don't know who I am, where I am, or why I'm here anymore. I brought six children into this world, thank God. That job is almost over. I'll get my pink slip in a year or two. Then what? I can't go to work anywhere that makes me stand for any length of time. My knees hurt too much and my feet can't handle the tremendous weight they're asked to carry. An office job? Doing what? Filing? Answering phones? I was told years ago that I am not good on the phone. So that's out. It's all automatic and digital now anyway. Salesclerk? Please, been there, done that, and hated it. I can't do any MLMs because there is never any money in that and it's rare anyone recoups the money they put into it.
So I'm lost. I don't know who I am. Again, the name of this blog is not who I am anymore. I used to think that it was a part of me. Not anymore. I am truly lost about what to do with the rest of my life. I think the best thing I can do is turn it over to God and let Him handle it. If only He'd help me lose weight, that would be a start. That's another thing...I do not pray like I should. That part's lost, too.
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