Ch ch ch changes

My oldest daughter is moving out this weekend.  She has asked me several times how I feel about this.  To tell the truth, I'm not really sure.  I wish I was closer to her than I am.  I wish I had more time.  I wish I'd shown her more things.  I'm having regrets.

We watched a video the kids shot about 10 years ago at our house in Hartville, MO.  The crazy year.  The year I was a bit "mental."  We could hear me in the background typing away on the computer not paying attention to the kids.  I did that a lot then.  Too much.  I believe I had some kind of strange breakdown during that time.  And, watching that video, I am almost sure I did some damage to my children.  When I should have been there for them, I was off in la la land IMing people who don't even remember doing that with me anymore.  It meant nothing to them and everything to me at the time.  I have regrets.

My children don't know everything they should know.  My youngest two don't know half of what they should know to graduate from high school...which is probably twice as much as anyone graduating from our local high school knows.  But it's not enough.  I haven't done enough.  I haven't been there enough.  I haven't made the bigger sacrifice of my time.  My children have suffered.  My house has suffered.  I've been so amazingly selfish.  I have big regrets.

In the video, I look the same.  I haven't lost a single pound in 20+ years.  I am tired of being and looking like this.  Sick of it.  I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror.  No amount of hair styling or make-up or nice clothes will disguise the fact that I'm obese.  I should have lost this years ago and been a better example for my children.  I should have made nutritious meals and insisted on sitting at the table instead of in front of the boob tube.  I should have done better.  I have so many regrets.

So, even though it's almost too late, it's time for a change.  Change in habits, change in diet, change in lifestyle, change in thinking.  I want to rectify what wrong I've done.  I don't want to have to have regrets.  It's time to work on keeping my house in order.  Literally.  It's time to get my body in order.  It's time to do and not sit.  I'm tired of regrets.