Who am I? Really.

Every time I write here, it's because I am a little depressed or introspective.  Tonight, after watching an episode of "What Not to Wear" (yes, I enjoy that show!), the young mother of three on there was almost a younger version of me.  Except she had a job.  She had a skill and helped with her family's finances.  At home!  I've tried some at home jobs and have been rejected.  I have no skills other than typing, it seems.

So here I sit wondering who I am?  Well, I'm mom to six people, wife to one, daughter to two.  I am not a sister to anyone and my friends are few and getting fewer all the time.  I'm also quite fat and can't seem to get my idiot head around the fact that I'm never going to lose weight if I don't stop eating crap and start eating good things.  Self-sabotage.  Rebellious even to myself.  My "job" as mom, though it will never end, is almost done as far as taking care of young ones.  My baby is almost 17.  And, like most children, they don't listen to Mom's advice.  They don't want it or think they need it.  They may be right.  Why should they listen to Mom saying they should control their appetites of various kinds when I can't control my own greed for food?

Who am I?  I have no job, no skills, no future, and would probably be thoroughly content to rot in front of the television for the rest of my life.  Oh, I go to the gym four times a week and work out hard.  I haven't lost one ounce of fat.  Not one.  I have interests.  I'd love to go to school to take classes on photography or computers or study to be a wedding planner but that all costs money.  We don't have that because I don't earn any money to help out.

I'm 54 years old and have no clue what to do with the rest of my life.  My children will all be out of the house within the next five years, I'd say.  My husband and I just exist together.  We never talk about anything serious or intimate.  I can't do that.  I just can't open myself up to that kind of vulnerability even though he's been my husband for over 30 years.  I talk more and open up more to the friends I've met on the internet.

I don't know who I am, where I am, or why I'm here anymore.  I brought six children into this world, thank God.  That job is almost over.  I'll get my pink slip in a year or two.  Then what?  I can't go to work anywhere that makes me stand for any length of time.  My knees hurt too much and my feet can't handle the tremendous weight they're asked to carry.  An office job?  Doing what?  Filing?  Answering phones?  I was told years ago that I am not good on the phone.  So that's out.  It's all automatic and digital now anyway.  Salesclerk?  Please, been there, done that, and hated it.  I can't do any MLMs because there is never any money in that and it's rare anyone recoups the money they put into it.

So I'm lost.  I don't know who I am.  Again, the name of this blog is not who I am anymore.  I used to think that it was a part of me.  Not anymore.  I am truly lost about what to do with the rest of my life.  I think the best thing I can do is turn it over to God and let Him handle it.  If only He'd help me lose weight, that would be a start.  That's another thing...I do not pray like I should.  That part's lost, too.

I don't think I can put a title on this one

My almost 21yo daughter is seeing a 49yo man.  It's wrong on so many levels and she won't listen to me anymore.  She thinks she's in love with him and he calls her, "my love."  I want to puke.  It's not right.  I can't get through to her, I can't talk to her, I can't tell her anything.  I'm afraid if I try, she'll run away.  I'm afraid if she goes out with Sally in a couple weeks that Sally won't be as discreet as she thinks she can be and my daughter will run away thinking that anything she says to Sally will get back to me.  I'm tired of people offering me lame advice.  "Oh, she's got a level head and won't do anything stupid like run to Vegas to get married."  How the hell do they know that?  They don't know my daughter!  She's changed!  She's not the sweet young woman who, a year and a half ago, sat on the edge of her bed crying in my arms telling me how much she did NOT want to get a job and grow up!  She thinks she's grown now, of course, but she has no idea what she's doing or what she's getting into.  And she won't listen.  Write her a letter, I'm told.  I don't know what to say in it.  I could pour my heart out to her but I don't think she'd take it seriously.  She would see it as yet another case of Mom trying to run her life again.  I guess I'm just a horrible horrible mother and should never have had daughters even though I prayed so hard for them.  God only gives me what I need, right?  I needed my daughters, then.  So the hell are they the biggest source of grief in my life right now?  My youngest is a snot and fancies herself a goth just to bug me.  My oldest one thinks I'm out of touch with who she is.  It's so much bullshit I could scream.  I stopped smoking again back in September; but man, I sure could use a long drag now and then.  I sure as hell will take it up in California in a couple weeks.  My daughter is going to kill me slowly and deliberately.  Sometimes, I think she wants to see me hurt.  Sounds selfish, doesn't it?  Maybe.  But I think that's what she wants.  I don't think she sees me as her mom but her enemy that's out to ruin her fun and her life.  I wish she'd just talk to me.  But I can't get her alone anymore.  She's always with the old guy or his 12yo annoying daughter.  Yeah, he's got kids older than she is.  The whole thing just sucks.  I want it gone.